7.29.16 My head and the weekend - I just wanna F..

Going into the weekend with a migraine. Blah.

On top of that I don't get to see Oliver tonight. I'm very not happy about that. I'm very clingy. I spoke to my ex Master about it and he says I'm like that because I need reassurance. He told me it will get better with time. I just don't want to loose Oliver because I'm to over bearing. I'm sure it can be greatly annoying.

I wasn't expecting, but what sub ever does, to be f***ed last night. Oliver purchased a new glass dildo (as well as some other items that I will share at a later date) that he used on me. He's so dam amazing! I love hearing the sound he makes when he cums. I crave it and always want more. I'm the type that once I get it, I want it over and over and over again. It's like I can't get enough......

,...more please Daddy.............come see your sub tonight.................

 

7.28.16 Friends

I've been doing some online research about other places to meet people. I've come across another site. So far so good. It seems similar to Lit, but better (my opinion).

I came across a dom, local, who has a sub that seems to be interested in the things I am. I went back and forth with the dom about what could and what could not happen. Perhaps in the future the 4 of us can get together and work something out? I have been very bi curious for years. I'd like to finally stop being curious and see if it's something I'd really like.

I also came across a woman on this new site. She's on Fet too. I reached out. See what happens.

Some great news............Oliver submitted one of our photos on Black and White Wednesday on Tumblr site Leatherlacedass. We won!!! The photo was posted. It was this one:

Since that happened, which was literally yesterday, she reached out to Oliver and me and has helped me reach more followers. I am so very excited and happy. THANK YOU!!!! 

I am so very happy to be here telling my story as a submissive. I know lately it's been a difficult road for me, but I do think finally I am in the right frame of mind. I need to calm down and not rush everything, and know that everything will come to Oliver and me in time. I know he is working hard on taking care of me and our relationship. Perhaps one night I will surprise him with something special to show him how much I am dedicated to submitting to him........

I will say that on a daily vanilla basis, it is hard to think of myself as a submissive. That takes the right frame of mind. Sometimes I just do things aggressively because I've had to. I need to realize that I don't have to do that anymore. Takes work. What are some of the things in life that cause you problems with being a submissive or a Dominant? 

7.26.16 My weekend with (promised) pictures

After we got home from dinner, Oliver stripped me down and inspected me. He then blindfolded me and began to tie my arms together behind my back, pushing my chest forward. He also added handcuffs to my wrists and plugged my ass. Soon after he gagged me and bent me over the large bed.

Oliver has a name for my ass. He calls it the Buns of Steel. Why? Because it seems that my ass cannot be marked. He’s tried spanking, flogging, and paddling. Tonight he was going to use a cane. The first smacks with the cane hurt really bad and I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it. As he continued, I worked my way into adjusting to the pain. Sometimes I take deep breaks in and release them slowly. It helps. Anyway, my ass was marked (as you can see), but the next morning – ta da!!!! Nothing. No bruising. Zip. Buns of Steel win again  !

After the caneing, he rigged a rope over the beams and attached the Wand to the rope, making it hang directly over my clit. Oliver then removed the ropes and cuffs from my arms and wrists, put me on the bed, and tied my legs. He brought me to the edge several times. I begged to cum. My answer was no.

I cannot recall how long he left me there, but eventually he released me.

He then does what he does so well and that’s to make me cum. I cannot tell you how many times he made me cum, but I began to beg him to stop.

After he was done taking my ass, we lay in the tub and relaxed.

I look forward to many more amazing memories with him, as well as sharing them with you.

7.23.16 Changes continue

For those of you that return often, you know that I have been on a job hunt since January. The stress over this life change has consumed me. The over thinking that I've put into it, the effort, etc.

The searching has stopped, and I know where this part of my future will begin. I've been offered full time employment at the current job I am at now. I am pleased as I stress over change, and this will be the least change that I could possibly ask for. Although I will be changing offices, I will still be local and I already know my co-workers.

John always told me that things always work out. He's tried to nail that into my brain for years now. Somehow I was never really convinced. Seems I should have been. Hopefully Oliver will be able to get me out of my consistent old ways.

I'm still doing some things that John had me do/not do. Not on purpose of course, but because it was habit. John said those things will go away. For example, when John gave me a task to do, I didn't have to do it if family 'got in the way'. Family always came first. I did that with a task that Oliver told me to do last night. I'm sure he will understand, but it wasn't something that we discussed. I just assumed. More error on my part, but I am still new under his wing and am learning. I'm glad, at least, that I recognized what I did.

I look forward to this evening. I've been looking forward to it all week. Scenes with Oliver. I have no idea what he has in mind, and I'm sure that's for the better, as I would stress and over think.

I've been doing some research on line today about where I can pick up more information on our lifestyle (is it a lifestyle? there is some contradiction about that...). Found some good sites. I'll share them with you after I've delved into them further.

I look forward to posting pictures of our evening............

Feel free to congrats me on the new job :p @ lovingbea1971@gmail.com - or of course...just comment ox

7.20.16 Physical

I've been feeling mentally disconnected from Oliver and I know it's because of what happened over the weekend.

I needed something to re-establish the connection, but I forgot how to. Without realizing, I needed physical.

So last night, I got some physical.

Oliver told me to go to a specific place, kneel and wait for him.

I did as I was told.

After a short time he came to where I was kneeling. I turned and bent over for him as he took me from behind. My ass was also slapped very hard a few times.  I cannot tell you how good that felt. (Honestly, I'd like a lot more)

In the middle of Oliver taking me, he had me kneel before him and suck his cock, making me taste myself. Then spun me around when he was about to cum and shot himself inside me. I love the sound that Oliver makes when he cums.

Yes, it was a little quick, but so very much needed. A quick fast fuck was perfect to bring me back.

I cannot wait until this weekend! I know there are other things that he wants to do and try, but I was told that I don't need to know what they were, or are, only that I remember my safe word.

I know that Oliver and I are still new in our D/s relationship, and some days it's mentally hard on me. Some days I still get confused as to what I should do because I was with John for so long, I forget. Oliver is much more involved than John was, but clearly that is because of the distance. There are many differences, but I would have never changed being in a long distance relationship with John. Ever. Again, I always do and will support BDSM long distant relationships.

Oliver did say that I will be able to post some pictures after the weekend. I look forward to sharing them with you. 

7.19.16 Weekend was horrible

So, just because I'm no longer owned by John, does not mean that I haven't continued in my search for a new job. So far I've had several interviews but nothing solid. Until last week.

I met with an office that really needed my abilities and was offered the job. I also had another interview coming, that I hadn't been able to get to yet, that I feel would be a better fit for me.

I told the first offer I would get back to them Monday, yesterday.

In the meantime, I saw Oliver on Friday night.

While we were out for dinner he received a phone call. Immediately our weekend plans changed.

I was unable to see him for the entire weekend AND on top of that I had life choices to make and felt I was left mentally alone. I needed help to decide where to go in my future. I couldn't make this decision by myself. While Oliver was dealing with his issues, not one word was said about what choice I should make. I became very upset and irrational and I began to panic.

Towards the last of the weekend hours, I finally talked to him about how I felt.

There were some 'loud texting' back and forth, but we finally got it settled.

Am I 100% at ease yet? No. This relationship is still new for us and we have to work out the kinks. Ha! Kinks - Those I don't want to work out - I'd like to work them IN! Cough - back to the blog...I know we will get there. John and I, towards the end, were still working out things. Just part of being in any relationship. It's continued work. It's not a bad thing to have bumps. It's progress.

So Monday, yesterday, I also felt like I topped Oliver. I was very adamant about not taking the first offer. Almost like raising my voice about it. After I mentioned it to him today, he said that I didn't top and he was just listening to my opinion and hadn't wanted me to take that first offer anyway.

Ugh. I'm still so confused about what to do with my life. I know what I should do, which is to just calm my mind and know that Oliver will pick what's best. I guess perhaps because what happened over the weekend I am nervous. And as Oliver has mentioned, it's hard for me to get over things. He's right. It is. I'm sure I will die with grudges.

All day I have been overthinking "my" decision about the first offer and now think maybe I should have taken it. Why can't I just do what I'd like to do and just know that my Dom will take care of everything? How does one fix that? Or is it just time?

I'm hoping for some play this weekend. I'll ask if I'll be allowed to post any pics. Hopefully I can share some with you. 

7.14.16 Every day gets easier

Not that I haven't talked to John for days at a time, with the weekends and vacations and all, but I just feel that this vacation and his time away this time is feeling a little different. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I can feel relaxed because my Dominant is with me now and I don't have to worry if I need something? I don't know. It just feels different to me for some reason. I guess I don't feel as panicky??????? I feel mellow.

So, there are days when I don't get to see Oliver. Those days...........I don't handle them so well. I get very down and mad and cranky. I'll even take how I'm feeling out on others around me. It's not good. I need to get a handle on myself. Is anyone else like this? Am I totally and completely weird? I used to get this way with John too during the weekends or the days that he couldn't be available. Am I just to clingy? Should I just chillax somehow?

I'm still working on my mindset with the things Oliver has me doing and the things that he wants. I think I'm doing better. I slipped up a little today by not asking permission for something I was supposed to ask for, but it's been worked out.

Thing is with Oliver I can't really hide anything small that I mess up with. Like, for example, because I am also under financial control, if I spend anything he can see. He has access to my account. He can also track where my phone is so if I say I'm going somewhere and go somewhere else I'm in deep trouble. He has more freedom to do what he wants with me vs. how John was with me. He is able to control more, which is great. I like more control. John was able to control me because I'm too much of an honest person. If I messed up, the guilt would consume me and I would tell him and then be punished.

So, yes, of course there are differences between the two. I mean obviously right? Two different men, two different scenarios. One LDR and one local.

I've always wanted to be in a relationship as me under control of a Dominant. All my life I've been that way and when I knew what a submissive was and who I was I've been searching. John helped me tremendously in acquiring that.

Again, I will always support long distant relationships. It's also a great way to start a BDSM relationship for new comers. But be weary..............